Wanted

This was a vision/picture/movie I had in my head the other day during some God-time. I felt a desire to share it with you all, since this applies to every Christian out there. You are loved, cared for, and wanted by the Most High. This is the reason He sent his Son to this earth so long ago. This is the reason we celebrate the birth if His son. He is the reason for the season.

Wanted

Do you ever feel trapped?

Do you ever feel lost?

Do you ever feel… wrong, somehow?

Off kilter?

I do. 

Or, at least I did.

Like I was walking in a huge city,

knowing exactly where I was going.

Then realizing, 

I've never been here before

and I have no idea where I'm going.

The city was closing in on me.

The streets started to look the same.

The buildings started to twist and bend.

That's when this man came to me.

He looked at me with such compassion in his eyes.

Then he asked me a question that I had no answer for:

"Where are you going?"

I looked at him, and I had to look away.

I felt ashamed that I didn't have an answer for his question.

Shockingly,

He took my chin into his hand, gently turning me face towards him.

I didn't want to look at him.

People were walking by…

What were they thinking of this?

But he held steady.

Then he whispered,

"Beloved."

And I felt like the only person in the world.

I felt like the most loved

Adored

Beautiful…

I felt wanted.

So I looked at him.

I looked him straight in the eye.

And the strangest thing happened. 

But it wasn't just one thing that happened.

It was like million things happened all at once and even though they were so different, they all…

Matched.

I felt aligned.

I knew I was free.

I knew I was found.

I knew I wasn't wrong anymore.

I was made right.

New.

And I just stared at him.

But then I heard the whispers.

"You don't deserve this."

"What have you done to deserve this?"

"What have you ever done?"

And I looked away.

I was lost again.

The whispers tormented.

I hated life.

I wanted to die.

I kept searching for that man.

I knew he was somewhere.

But where?

I couldn't do it anymore.

I fell on my knees,

waiting for death to come.

It was close wasn't it?

That's when a pair of hands came under my arms

lifted me up,

and sat me down on his lap.

I was found.

I looked up into my Savior's eyes,

and I never wanted to look away again.

He whispered,

"Beloved."

And I knew I was home.

Ignorance Is Not Bliss

It's hard to describe what has happened since I posted last.

In short, God is changing my life. I almost wish this school was a requirement after the DTS. There is so much transformation that takes place that doesn't happen in a DTS. I loved my DTS and the things that happened. I changed so much during that time.

But this time around, I feel the change in a deeper part of who I am. It's not only changing my mind and the way I think, but it's changing my heart and spirit. The things that matter the most. God is taking everything that's in my mind, crossing the gap, and taking it to my heart. This change is for life. It's for good. It's here to stay.

Something that I love about this school is the practical application. At first I absolutely hated it, thinking it was silly and annoying. Now that I actually understand what it does and see the change that comes from it, I know this is something that I can take into my life after the school.

Sometimes I wish the school could go on forever. Sometimes I want it to end right now, in this moment. It's so hard, but has anything good and lasting ever come form breezing through a battle? How can that even happen? It's a freaking battle! With swords and shields and the shedding of blood! Who could sit through that? Only the ignorant.

I am no longer ignorant. Light has been shed on my life. Whoever said ignorance is bliss must have lived under a rock their whole life. In my life, ignorance has just brought me painful wounds that never healed. I was even ignorant about the fact that I had wounds. Only once I knew the truth did the wounds begin to heal. Yeah, it totally hurts. Every new truth brings new hurt. But it's a good hurt. You know how when you use Listerine it burns so bad, but you use it anyway because you know it's going to kill all those filthy germs? And you know the burning is temporary. It will go away. Healing is just like that. The pain is temporary, the cure is Jesus, and the true bliss lasts forever.

Ignorance is not bliss. IGNORE-ance is undiscovered wounds. Darkness. Death.

I was scared to allow truth into my life. I'd lived so long in my darkness and ignorance, I was afraid to come into the light. But it wasn't because I was afraid of the truth. No. I wanted the truth. I was just afraid because I didn't know HOW to walk in this new light. HOW to live in this new way. But because of this fear, I wasn't growing. I wasn't allowing the Holy Spirit to touch the deepest parts of me.

I had to overcome my fear of the unknown. We had a teaching on the Holy Spirit and who He is and what His functions are in the trinity. His biggest attribute is helper. As Jesus said before He left this earth, He was not leaving us alone. He was leaving so that the helper could come. I learned through this that He, the Holy Spirit, is going to help me. He is going to teach me how to walk in the light and in this new way of living. I don't know how to do this, but HE DOES. And He wants to help me through it!

So don't be afraid of the light. Allow it to shine into your life and bring about an everlasting change. I'm not going to tell you it's easy. I hope no one ever says this to you. I'm going to tell you it's hard, but the hardest things in life are the best things in life.

Luke 9:23b-25

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat—I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you?"