I haven't written on here in months, and I apologize. I do this a lot. I'm not very good at being consistent with my blogging.
But let's start now. I like to write, and this is a place to write out what's going on in my life, right? We'll start a little ways back to catch you up, but don't worry. It all ties in. :)
Here goes!
There was a time during the last bit of outreach and into my last weeks that I thought I would be returning to California (to get visas) and then going back to Buenos Aires to be part of the counseling ministry staff there. I would get visas for both Buenos Aires and London, since I would have been part of the team going to lead a school there. Up until 3 days before I left to come back home, I believed this was going to happen. Honestly, I didn't want it to. I wanted to go back home. I missed my family and friends and wanted to start my life there. I didn't feel called to Argentina anymore. But since I had had words from God about staying on staff there, I was obeying and following. As I was finalizing my plans, I was about to send a message to the person in charge of the counseling ministry, when God suddenly took my hands away from my keyboard and I heard an almost audible, "No."
I didn't understand, and I couldn't explain what happened. I felt betrayed by God. Why would He give me all these words and confirmations if I wasn't going to stay? I was just getting used to the idea of being on the team and suddenly I was being told no? Why would God do this? The only thing I could hold onto was that I knew God had a plan and that He is always good. But did I trust Him? Did I really believe that He knows what's best? What was He doing to me? What was this plan of His? I didn't understand, but I knew that this "no" was the strongest word I had gotten yet. I didn't doubt it. I just had to follow it. I had to go home.
I was getting was I desired, right? I was going home. I didn't want to return to Argentina. I wanted to go home, and that's what I was doing. I should have been overjoyed, right?
Well, I was happy. I won't lie about that. :) But sometimes there were moments when I was just more confused and frustrated at God that it took over my joy and overshadowed it. The rug had been pulled out from under me when I was just getting my bearings, and I was supposed to be happy?
WHAT WAS GOD DOING?!
I didn't understand, but I came home.
I didn't know my next step anymore.
I was scared.
I didn't have a plan.
I didn't have a job to go back to.
Nothing.
So what did I do? I rested. For a whole entire month. And you know what? I really needed it. I had been working my butt off of six straight months and needed to relax. But who knew that would be so stinking hard! I wanted to get going! I wanted my life to start. I just wanted to get a job, get a car, move out of my parents house, and get on with life!
Fast-forward to now:
I had a job working as a counselor at a summer camp for the month of August, and after that I was going to work part-time at their front desk. I was told that after camp they would start me with training. I was on my way to being a working woman. I would save my money, buy a car, find an apartment, get some roomies... Life was getting started!
Well, camp ended last Friday, and when I called today, they said that the position had already been filled.
Wait. What? I know. *Cue frustration*
I was told by the person in charge that I would have this job, and now I don't. I had applied to another job earlier today, but this didn't make me feel any better. What happened to that awesome plan? What happened to working with those awesome people?
So here I am, 5 months after getting home from Argentina, and I've had an almost full time job for exactly one month of that time. I still don't have a steady job. I still don't have a car. And I'm still living with my parents. I'm frustrated. I'm not where I thought I was going to be at this point. This isn't how it was supposed to go! This wasn't in my books!
But that's just it. It wasn't in MY books. Obviously, this was in God's books, though. He's had a plan this whole time. He hasn't stopped providing for me. Loving me. Caring for me. He still has a plan and I'm still in His arms. Sometimes it astounds me the amount faith I have in Him. I don't always understand my own faith. But here I am, trusting Him, somehow knowing that this is all going to turn out okay. Somehow knowing with all my heart that this is where I'm meant to be.
But let's start now. I like to write, and this is a place to write out what's going on in my life, right? We'll start a little ways back to catch you up, but don't worry. It all ties in. :)
Here goes!
~~~~~~~~~~
I didn't understand, and I couldn't explain what happened. I felt betrayed by God. Why would He give me all these words and confirmations if I wasn't going to stay? I was just getting used to the idea of being on the team and suddenly I was being told no? Why would God do this? The only thing I could hold onto was that I knew God had a plan and that He is always good. But did I trust Him? Did I really believe that He knows what's best? What was He doing to me? What was this plan of His? I didn't understand, but I knew that this "no" was the strongest word I had gotten yet. I didn't doubt it. I just had to follow it. I had to go home.
I was getting was I desired, right? I was going home. I didn't want to return to Argentina. I wanted to go home, and that's what I was doing. I should have been overjoyed, right?
Well, I was happy. I won't lie about that. :) But sometimes there were moments when I was just more confused and frustrated at God that it took over my joy and overshadowed it. The rug had been pulled out from under me when I was just getting my bearings, and I was supposed to be happy?
WHAT WAS GOD DOING?!
I didn't understand, but I came home.
I didn't know my next step anymore.
I was scared.
I didn't have a plan.
I didn't have a job to go back to.
Nothing.
So what did I do? I rested. For a whole entire month. And you know what? I really needed it. I had been working my butt off of six straight months and needed to relax. But who knew that would be so stinking hard! I wanted to get going! I wanted my life to start. I just wanted to get a job, get a car, move out of my parents house, and get on with life!
Fast-forward to now:
I had a job working as a counselor at a summer camp for the month of August, and after that I was going to work part-time at their front desk. I was told that after camp they would start me with training. I was on my way to being a working woman. I would save my money, buy a car, find an apartment, get some roomies... Life was getting started!
Well, camp ended last Friday, and when I called today, they said that the position had already been filled.
Wait. What? I know. *Cue frustration*
I was told by the person in charge that I would have this job, and now I don't. I had applied to another job earlier today, but this didn't make me feel any better. What happened to that awesome plan? What happened to working with those awesome people?
So here I am, 5 months after getting home from Argentina, and I've had an almost full time job for exactly one month of that time. I still don't have a steady job. I still don't have a car. And I'm still living with my parents. I'm frustrated. I'm not where I thought I was going to be at this point. This isn't how it was supposed to go! This wasn't in my books!
But that's just it. It wasn't in MY books. Obviously, this was in God's books, though. He's had a plan this whole time. He hasn't stopped providing for me. Loving me. Caring for me. He still has a plan and I'm still in His arms. Sometimes it astounds me the amount faith I have in Him. I don't always understand my own faith. But here I am, trusting Him, somehow knowing that this is all going to turn out okay. Somehow knowing with all my heart that this is where I'm meant to be.
