#CueFrustration

I haven't written on here in months, and I apologize. I do this a lot. I'm not very good at being consistent with my blogging.

But let's start now. I like to write, and this is a place to write out what's going on in my life, right? We'll start a little ways back to catch you up, but don't worry. It all ties in. :)
Here goes!

~~~~~~~~~~

There was a time during the last bit of outreach and into my last weeks that I thought I would be returning to California (to get visas) and then going back to Buenos Aires to be part of the counseling ministry staff there. I would get visas for both Buenos Aires and London, since I would have been part of the team going to lead a school there. Up until 3 days before I left to come back home, I believed this was going to happen. Honestly, I didn't want it to. I wanted to go back home. I missed my family and friends and wanted to start my life there. I didn't feel called to Argentina anymore. But since I had had words from God about staying on staff there, I was obeying and following. As I was finalizing my plans, I was about to send a message to the person in charge of the counseling ministry, when God suddenly took my hands away from my keyboard and I heard an almost audible, "No."
I didn't understand, and I couldn't explain what happened. I felt betrayed by God. Why would He give me all these words and confirmations if I wasn't going to stay? I was just getting used to the idea of being on the team and suddenly I was being told no? Why would God do this? The only thing I could hold onto was that I knew God had a plan and that He is always good. But did I trust Him? Did I really believe that He knows what's best? What was He doing to me? What was this plan of His? I didn't understand, but I knew that this "no" was the strongest word I had gotten yet. I didn't doubt it. I just had to follow it. I had to go home.
I was getting was I desired, right? I was going home. I didn't want to return to Argentina. I wanted to go home, and that's what I was doing. I should have been overjoyed, right?
Well, I was happy. I won't lie about that. :) But sometimes there were moments when I was just more confused and frustrated at God that it took over my joy and overshadowed it. The rug had been pulled out from under me when I was just getting my bearings, and I was supposed to be happy?
WHAT WAS GOD DOING?!

I didn't understand, but I came home.
I didn't know my next step anymore.
I was scared.
I didn't have a plan.
I didn't have a job to go back to.
Nothing.

So what did I do? I rested. For a whole entire month. And you know what? I really needed it. I had been working my butt off of six straight months and needed to relax. But who knew that would be so stinking hard! I wanted to get going! I wanted my life to start. I just wanted to get a job, get a car, move out of my parents house, and get on with life!

Fast-forward to now:
I had a job working as a counselor at a summer camp for the month of August, and after that I was going to work part-time at their front desk. I was told that after camp they would start me with training. I was on my way to being a working woman. I would save my money, buy a car, find an apartment, get some roomies... Life was getting started!
Well, camp ended last Friday, and when I called today, they said that the position had already been filled.
Wait. What? I know. *Cue frustration*
I was told by the person in charge that I would have this job, and now I don't. I had applied to another job earlier today, but this didn't make me feel any better. What happened to that awesome plan? What happened to working with those awesome people?

So here I am, 5 months after getting home from Argentina, and I've had an almost full time job for exactly one month of that time. I still don't have a steady job. I still don't have a car. And I'm still living with my parents. I'm frustrated. I'm not where I thought I was going to be at this point. This isn't how it was supposed to go! This wasn't in my books!

But that's just it. It wasn't in MY books. Obviously, this was in God's books, though. He's had a plan this whole time. He hasn't stopped providing for me. Loving me. Caring for me. He still has a plan and I'm still in His arms. Sometimes it astounds me the amount faith I have in Him. I don't always understand my own faith. But here I am, trusting Him, somehow knowing that this is all going to turn out okay. Somehow knowing with all my heart that this is where I'm meant to be.

La Discoteca de Jesús

Have you ever just stood there and taken the time to watch nature unfold around you? Those times when you just sit at the window and watch the rain outside. Or you take in the rays of sunshine on a hot summer day, feeling the breeze. Or you're in the mountains, next to a river, hearing the water rush past you, the birds chirping from the trees. It's times like these that I feel closest to my Heavenly Father. Watching His creation, feeling the power. I had one of these moments a few weeks ago in San Luis, Argentina. We got to watch a lightning storm unfold. We could see the lightning shooting through the clouds, hear the thunder, the great winds howling around us. It was incredible. It was like watching God show off His power, entertaining us with it. He never does it in a proud way, though. He's always humble. He shows us His glory and power to say, "Look, I am real. This is who I am. How can you deny that I exist?"

It's also times like these that I feel so small and insignificant… Yet, not. I feel small, but I also feel seen. Acknowledged. Loved. It reminds me that the power He is showing us right now, we have that same power within us. The Holy Spirit is inside of us, moving in our hearts, using our words and actions to change ourselves and others. It's times like these that I feel found. Captured. I'm enthralled with who He is. 

It's these moments that I never want to leave. I wish I could live in these moments forever.

I love how nature brings us closer to God. It's always singing praises to Him, and when we are in the midst of it, even though our human ears cannot hear the praise, the Holy Spirit inside of us can, and he transmits this to our spirit. He is the median between us and God. He wants us to find ourselves in Him. He wants us to praise Him. Be close to Him. Love Him. Have a relationship with Him. And this is just one of the great and powerful ways that He does it.

(For those reading this from an email subscription, there is a video on the official blog site, but it doesn't send with the email. Here is a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4nN8P6I-EM)

Psalm 100 (NLT)

"Shout with joy to the Lord, all the earth!

 Worship the Lord with gladness.

Come before him, singing with joy.

 Acknowledge that the Lord is God!

He made us, and we are his.

We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

 Enter his gates with thanksgiving;

go into his courts with praise."

Preparation for Greater Things

These past 3 months have been the fastest 3 months I have ever lived. It's incredible when I think of everything that God has done in this time. He's shown me the courage and strength I have when I lean on Him. He's shown me that there really is nothing better than Him. He's shown me how much He cares for me as a Father AND Mother. He's shown me what it means to be a daughter, as well.

Looking back on all the things He's done, it gives me anticipation for the next months of outreach. Just knowing that He is going to move is the most amazing thing. My team consists of two leaders and four students. We leave for San Luis (A) this Friday, the seventeenth of January. We will be there for about a month, working with different churches. Next is La Rioja (B) for about two weeks, working with one church, then San Clemente (C) for two weeks as well, working with the YWAM base there. I originally thought that outreach was going to be three months, but the way God planned it was different, two months instead of three. We will be teaching the plumb line, with topics such as sexuality, revelation, renouncing, the Father heart of God, abuse... The topics are almost endless. Please keep me and my team in your prayers. We are in great need of finances, as well as God's protection and guidance during our time in these places.

Please feel free to email me with any questions you have.

God bless you!

Matthew 6:20-21 (NLT)
"Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be."

Wanted

This was a vision/picture/movie I had in my head the other day during some God-time. I felt a desire to share it with you all, since this applies to every Christian out there. You are loved, cared for, and wanted by the Most High. This is the reason He sent his Son to this earth so long ago. This is the reason we celebrate the birth if His son. He is the reason for the season.

Wanted

Do you ever feel trapped?

Do you ever feel lost?

Do you ever feel… wrong, somehow?

Off kilter?

I do. 

Or, at least I did.

Like I was walking in a huge city,

knowing exactly where I was going.

Then realizing, 

I've never been here before

and I have no idea where I'm going.

The city was closing in on me.

The streets started to look the same.

The buildings started to twist and bend.

That's when this man came to me.

He looked at me with such compassion in his eyes.

Then he asked me a question that I had no answer for:

"Where are you going?"

I looked at him, and I had to look away.

I felt ashamed that I didn't have an answer for his question.

Shockingly,

He took my chin into his hand, gently turning me face towards him.

I didn't want to look at him.

People were walking by…

What were they thinking of this?

But he held steady.

Then he whispered,

"Beloved."

And I felt like the only person in the world.

I felt like the most loved

Adored

Beautiful…

I felt wanted.

So I looked at him.

I looked him straight in the eye.

And the strangest thing happened. 

But it wasn't just one thing that happened.

It was like million things happened all at once and even though they were so different, they all…

Matched.

I felt aligned.

I knew I was free.

I knew I was found.

I knew I wasn't wrong anymore.

I was made right.

New.

And I just stared at him.

But then I heard the whispers.

"You don't deserve this."

"What have you done to deserve this?"

"What have you ever done?"

And I looked away.

I was lost again.

The whispers tormented.

I hated life.

I wanted to die.

I kept searching for that man.

I knew he was somewhere.

But where?

I couldn't do it anymore.

I fell on my knees,

waiting for death to come.

It was close wasn't it?

That's when a pair of hands came under my arms

lifted me up,

and sat me down on his lap.

I was found.

I looked up into my Savior's eyes,

and I never wanted to look away again.

He whispered,

"Beloved."

And I knew I was home.

Ignorance Is Not Bliss

It's hard to describe what has happened since I posted last.

In short, God is changing my life. I almost wish this school was a requirement after the DTS. There is so much transformation that takes place that doesn't happen in a DTS. I loved my DTS and the things that happened. I changed so much during that time.

But this time around, I feel the change in a deeper part of who I am. It's not only changing my mind and the way I think, but it's changing my heart and spirit. The things that matter the most. God is taking everything that's in my mind, crossing the gap, and taking it to my heart. This change is for life. It's for good. It's here to stay.

Something that I love about this school is the practical application. At first I absolutely hated it, thinking it was silly and annoying. Now that I actually understand what it does and see the change that comes from it, I know this is something that I can take into my life after the school.

Sometimes I wish the school could go on forever. Sometimes I want it to end right now, in this moment. It's so hard, but has anything good and lasting ever come form breezing through a battle? How can that even happen? It's a freaking battle! With swords and shields and the shedding of blood! Who could sit through that? Only the ignorant.

I am no longer ignorant. Light has been shed on my life. Whoever said ignorance is bliss must have lived under a rock their whole life. In my life, ignorance has just brought me painful wounds that never healed. I was even ignorant about the fact that I had wounds. Only once I knew the truth did the wounds begin to heal. Yeah, it totally hurts. Every new truth brings new hurt. But it's a good hurt. You know how when you use Listerine it burns so bad, but you use it anyway because you know it's going to kill all those filthy germs? And you know the burning is temporary. It will go away. Healing is just like that. The pain is temporary, the cure is Jesus, and the true bliss lasts forever.

Ignorance is not bliss. IGNORE-ance is undiscovered wounds. Darkness. Death.

I was scared to allow truth into my life. I'd lived so long in my darkness and ignorance, I was afraid to come into the light. But it wasn't because I was afraid of the truth. No. I wanted the truth. I was just afraid because I didn't know HOW to walk in this new light. HOW to live in this new way. But because of this fear, I wasn't growing. I wasn't allowing the Holy Spirit to touch the deepest parts of me.

I had to overcome my fear of the unknown. We had a teaching on the Holy Spirit and who He is and what His functions are in the trinity. His biggest attribute is helper. As Jesus said before He left this earth, He was not leaving us alone. He was leaving so that the helper could come. I learned through this that He, the Holy Spirit, is going to help me. He is going to teach me how to walk in the light and in this new way of living. I don't know how to do this, but HE DOES. And He wants to help me through it!

So don't be afraid of the light. Allow it to shine into your life and bring about an everlasting change. I'm not going to tell you it's easy. I hope no one ever says this to you. I'm going to tell you it's hard, but the hardest things in life are the best things in life.

Luke 9:23b-25

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat—I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you?"

From The Inside Out

God is changing me and every student here from the inside out.
We are learning about ourselves and telling each other what we've been learning and discovering. I've seen the change on each of their faces, including my own, and it makes me excited to see what God is going to do with the rest of our time here. We all look refreshed, healthy, and ready for this coming week. We have been renewed.
I can't believe we're only in our 3rd week of school! SO much has happened, mostly on the inside, in the heart, but I feel like I've been here a year!
Please be praying that we will be able to keep an open heart and mind, and be able to continue sharing our hearts with our leaders and each other.
Also, I'm still in need of finances for outreach and living expenses. Please be praying for that! If you feel lead to give, there are two ways, both on the right hand side of this blog.
You're all awesome!!

Isaías 43:13
"Desde la eternidad y hasta la eternidad, yo soy Dios.
    No hay quien pueda arrebatar a nadie de mi mano;
    nadie puede deshacer lo que he hecho."

Detalles. Details. Unconditional Love.

I have an awesome God-thing to share with you guys.

For about 2 weeks, the parents of one of my fellow students was staying with us. I can’t explain it, but I immediately trusted them. I felt like I had known them for a long time and that they cared about me... after 3 days of knowing them. I know! Crazy, but so true. I got to know them over the two weeks that they were here, and I began to really like them, and even love them. 

I had multiple dreams Tuesday night that starred my family and California. (This is not off topic, I promise.) I woke up on Wednesday feeling extremely homesick and sad. One of the things we’re leaning in this school is how to go to God BEFORE we turn to music or our friends or anything else. So, I cried out to God and I asked him to please give me a hug today. I missed the physical touch of my family, and if I could just have one really great hug, an embrace, I would be so happy.

Then I found out that my friend’s parents were leaving that day. I grew more sad knowing that I was losing friends, just as I was really getting to know them. We all went out to the sidewalk to see them off. I gave both the parents hugs, and here’s the God-thing: when I hugged my friend’s dad, he hugged me back and said, “I love you,” then hugged me harder. My eyes welled up with tears and spilled over. I said, “I love you, too,” and off he went to get into the taxi that took them both to the airport.

The fact that I had cried out to God that same morning asking for a hug, asking for comfort today, and getting it in such an unexpected way, amazes me. GOD JUST AMAZES ME. I love how He works. I love it so much. And to be honest, I had forgotten that I asked God for a hug. When my friend’s dad hugged me, I was just crying because I love him and I was sad to see him leave. I only remembered that I asked God for a hug when I started writing this post, and I cried again. Realizing how God really pays attention and listens to even the smallest desires of our hearts really puts life in perspective for me. 

God really does care. He cares about the fact that I was sad and needed comfort from a father figure. He cares about the fact that I miss my family. He cares about the fact that I miss my friends. That I miss hugs. That I miss the comforts of home. He CARES. He isn’t going to leave me hanging. I know that now. He cares about every detail of my life, and He's going to fulfill my desires in the most perfect way possible: with His unfailing, unconditional love.

Psalm 34:18 

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”

Psalm 37:23

“The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He DELIGHTS in EVERY DETAIL of their lives.” (word emphasis by me)